i tell my friends about my darkest secrets and ofc they warn me but I'm too stubborn. I'll change but not completely

My family plays music everyday and it drives me insane. Everytime i have a peace of mind they just keep playing this damn music. I mean its not like i hate my family but god damn, you aint gotta play bachata everytime i wake up! , its really stressful because i wanna have peace in my mind so i can be normal. But even if i went back to america my dad says my brothers will kick me out if i live over there. So i am stuck in a hispanic country in a annoying sutuation. Maybe i should just adapt but i dont know anymore. My dad has a nice house near a beach but i never came their with just my parents and just me. Just some alone time for all of us but he says people who spend time alone are isolated pilgrims, i dont know what that exactly means. I am just tired being around strangers he calls "cousin" Etc, This aint my cousin this some random dude! My brother he justs interupts me and he ignore me and its like he doesn't even like me. But when i do something bad even if its by accident like moving a baby chair (there's no baby in the chair) its a problem! Why he gotta be so sentitive i cant even play my own music. And i make rap music too just trap beats buts it hard and cool, i was born in this country because i am hispanic (not i was lmao) so like i dont know how to understand spanish like 40 percent but im like 60 percent but they play this music and i dont even understand it. My dad always complains about me but he never compliments me my mom literally has to tell him for him to compliment me, my dad said i am a accident and he said he shouldve sallowed me. And my mom couldnt care less. SO YEAH Everyday music everyday complaining you know how that goes, and everything i do people copy me i am around envyfilled people and a problem with my father. Everytime i call my brother he hangs up and he says somebody is calling me. He be ignoring my calls and he say i should stop making music. I left highschool but the kids are still tryna act like me and copying. I guess society is a waste of time for me. So i have to work my whole life to be a slave is it supposed to be like that? Is it that my whole life is a unpurposeful suspense of Just go to work and shut up. I been making music for a while as well i enjoy it. But the beats are like 20 bucks and thats way to expensive most i would do is 5. But i been promoting my music to get some exporsure. The industry plants always complaining and judging independent artists they always try to ruin the experience you know how it is. I feel like in highschool everybody wanted to make the experience worse for other people the school would put 5000 students in a school that could only fit like 600 but they dont care the school system is [url censored] being disrespected by annoying hispanics and "dominicans" they are some peices od shit. They ruin my mood and the mexicans always have something to say. A mexican stole my phone from me.i cant write this forever i just wanna live alone at this point. I used to think the bullying and arguements gunna stop but this never gunna stop i might as well move out or some.

I get freaky intrusive thoughts about piss, drinking pee, being peed on, and I am not completely opposed to it. Who the hell am I meant to tell this to, not my therapist or doctor, no way man. But I need to get it off my chest. I tasted my own pee once and it tasted bitter like ear wax.

A lot of times I wonder if anyone would care had i died

i had online stalker for 5 years he finally gave up. but id totally be embarrassed if i were him. he tried to find my insta, address , school any info and still failed. imagine spending 5 years of searching everyday just to fail must be rly nice Mathu aint it?